Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in zepam's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, November 12th, 2005
11:00 am	There will be no link backwards. Hello there! Long time no see, indeed. Just wanted to say hi before, you know, going to see the outside world. Heh, funny how all these changes make it difficult to even summon good old zepam's voice. And I've never been that good at goodbyes to begin with. Even though it's not a real goodbye, mind you. I've been going through so much evolution in the past nine months that I need to revamp my identity. I'm still rather fond of that zepam guy, really, but that's not who I am anymore. Zepam was hopeless and self-destructive, remember? Yeah, not that bad, sometimes even in a funny way, but that's beyond the point. There has been a paradigm shift, and zepam is... well... obsolete. And all of that thanks to an incredible woman. An incredible woman who loves me for who I am, hence making it useless to pretend. An incredible woman who makes me believe in myself everyday a bit more. An incredible woman who gave me the best gift ever: a future. I'm not saying that the bad times are over once and for all. I am still a fucking bipolar, mind you, and I know there will still be tears and despair once in a while. I am still wasting my days at a mind-crushing job while I could, you know, send it all to hell. And I'm probably still carrying a respectable bunch of assorted neuroses, you know? But now I am done with destroying, and I want to build instead. And, as far as LiveJournal is concerned, I'm done with whining about my oh-so-shitty life. Because you know what? I couldn't be happier. Simply couldn't. I believe in tomorrow. And so does hurtmeso because she said yes, she would marry me! Together we are opening a new chapter in which I will be known as metamatik. You are welcome to read along! Current Mood: thankful 4 took a ride ~ drift with me
Tuesday, May 17th, 2005
12:00 pm	Stories You still have weaknesses, my shrink replied, when i asked his opinion about my interruption. Of course I do. And I know it. But still, it hurts sometimes. I never truly believed in happiness before meeting So. Love, you know, it's good for romance novels and all that crap. This is the Real Life™, not some kind of eerie fantasy world with children singing lullabies and fucking Carebears throwing fucking rose petals in the soft fucking breeze of... wherever. This is who I was. This is Old Me. Old Me didn't believe in happiness. Old Me saw life in shades of grey. Old Me disguised his despair under a cloak of what he thought was witty cynicism. Old Me was just another sad, sad boy. And even though I may still at times feel compassion towards him, I have no desire whatsoever of him making a brilliant comeback and ruin my life when for the first time in years I am finally happy. Fuck you, Mr. Old Me, with your What Ifs and your masochism. I don't want your questions. I don't want your doubts. I don't want your pain. I don't want you to make me write like an angsty teenager again, you prick. I love her. Not you. HER. And I'm finally moving forward. Discovering so much. Evolving. And making her happy, I dare say. Did you make anybody happy? So shut the fuck up. I don't want to start wondering whether she is or not the Woman Of My Life™. I just want to go on believing knowing it. Now, fiction. Yes yes yes. Fiction has always been an important part of my life. Consuming it, creating it, living in it. Escapism, partially, no doubt about that, but not only. Fiction fulfilled me too. Fiction allowed me to explore some uncharted areas of my personal map. And now I am afraid of it, somehow. For the same reasons. I am afaid of the darkness in me, I am scared like shit of diving into it, I know I'm a fucking Pandora's Box, and I don't want to do anything that could end up hurting So., hurting us. Example? I still want to write a piece of fiction about Na., the San Francisco stripper. But what does that mean? Does that mean I'm still thinking about her? Yes, it happens, just like some other key, self-defining moments of my past. Not in a threatening way at all for So., of course. It's nothing but a memory, the memory of a fantasy. But in order to write this story, I'd have to search into myself, to relive the moment, and this, in turn, almost sounds to me like being unfaithful to her, and need I say that this is a violently sickening perspective? I need to write fiction. But the fiction I write, my fiction, has always been about sex and violence. About what it's like to be human, yes. But what happens then? If I still need fiction, does that mean I'm not satisfied with reality? I don't think so. In the end, it brings forward the deceptively simple matter of fantasy. I've always been a man of imagination, be it or not by choice. I wish I could use my imagination in a raw, unfiltered, innocent way. I don't want to feel guilty if what comes out is dark and disturbing, because in the end it's clearly better if it goes out this way -- ever heard of catharsis, you moron? But I don't want to hurt her with this darkness. But keeping it in myself will only hurt me, and end up hurting her too -- empathy, yes. The only viable option is to trust her strength, and her love. And that's what I'm going to do. I mean, as soon as fucking Old Me stops his fucking tapdancing up there in my brain. 3 took a ride ~ drift with me
Sunday, May 8th, 2005
2:45 pm	There is such a thing as happiness. ( And I prove it. ) 3 took a ride ~ drift with me
Friday, March 18th, 2005
12:00 pm	Read this if you have guts. Mad props to Br., Ar. and of course, the one and only Chucky. What else... Well, three weeks now. And each day takes me to a previously uncharted place on the happiness map. I had no idea it was possible. Never, ever, have I loved and been loved so deeply, so intensely, so entirely. There's probably no way to express my gratitude. I love you, So, I love you so. drift with me
Wednesday, March 9th, 2005
11:15 am	I have never, ever, been so happy in my entire life. 5 took a ride ~ drift with me
Tuesday, March 1st, 2005
12:30 pm	*faints in pure happiness* 3 took a ride ~ drift with me
Thursday, February 24th, 2005
10:00 am	So... Still not listening to the Dresden Dolls ? What are you waiting for ? Me, coffee. Current Mood: lazy 1 took a ride ~ drift with me
Monday, February 21st, 2005
2:00 pm	No news, good news Hey, it's been a while. And, just in case you were wondering, life has been good lately, thanks for asking. I feel like I'm stuck in the mild hypomaniac phase of my mood cycle, which is great, since this is my favorite one - except for the compulsive money-spending thingie, 'f course. Fueled by the resolution of all my current major emotional problems, my creativity levels are skyrocketing; fueled by the knowledge of hypomania, I'm trying hard, and at least succeeding a bit, in controlling my craze for new projects, so as to focus on only a few and actually working on them, which is something very new, indeed. Ideas for stories, photo shoots, and even my current work project, you name it, they're all there! I really have to discipline myself if I want to go forward on these projects instead of merely contemplating their absolute brilliance in my brain, but I trust the process this time. Photos are my New Thing™, be it stolen portraits in the subway or full studio sessions with professional models. I'm currently lagging a bit on the post-production phase, but I'll soon post a handful of pictures, for your eyes only - stay tuned. Studio work is really interesting, and I'm learning even more with books and online tutorials. What I really want is to catch my model's soul, not merely her eyes or breasts, and on a couple of shoots I believe I actually managed to get a glimpse of it. You will see. I need, of course, more training, but I definitely want to try some fetish photography. This is partly linked to my own interest in BDSM imagery, partly to my admiration of the works of Mr. Lithium Picnic and the radiant Apnea, but I'm clearly going to give it a try, especially since I already have the best model I could dream of - apart from Apnea herself, of course (pleaaase, let me know if you fly to Paris someday!). Otherwise, well well well... Still a bit of poetry, although I'm keeping it to myself at the moment. More than ever I need a global outlet for all that shit, which is where the HurtMePlenty project comes back floating into my mind. Oh, and I've given up on bookcrossing, with good reasons to believe it's for good this time, considering the way our once-beloved #17 forum is slowly but surely turning into a fucking hen house. And, last but not least, the Wonderful Bitch™ rocks my world. Although the beginnings were a bit messy, as they often are, I was ultimately right about giving her a part in this whimsical* play that I call My Life, and it feels amazingly good. * For the life of me I could certainly not give an accurate translation of the word whimsical, but it fits in there so nicely that I had to use it. Sue me. Current Mood: energetic Current Music: The Dresden Dolls - Good Day 2 took a ride ~ drift with me
Friday, February 11th, 2005
8:30 pm	The burden has been lifted. How much relief a single phone call can bring amazes me. Now get ready, Universe, I'm back in the game! ... yeah, till next time, of course. Current Mood: pleased Current Music: Ken Ishii - Future Is What We Are drift with me
1:15 am	Whatever happens next, one thing is positively and absolutely certain. I have the best best friends in this whole fucking universe. Once again, Björk is right: all is full of love. Ma., Sa., thank you, thank you, thank you. Now my thoughts go to the Wonderful Bitch™. I wish I could be there to support her, even though I might just be an extra layer of chaos she really doesn't need right now. Anyway... things will get better. Current Mood: grateful Current Music: Radiohead - Just drift with me
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
9:30 pm	How is it possible... ... to fit so much chaos in so little time?! Current Mood: confused 1 took a ride ~ drift with me
10:15 am	This paranoia thing is killing me. drift with me
Wednesday, February 9th, 2005
12:15 am	Shamelessly stolen from gothicimage Once again, that's not ironic, that's coincidental. Oh, and pasta + moussaka = meta-junk-food = sheer genius ! That's all, folks. Current Mood: peaceful Current Music: Daughter Darling - Shattered 2 took a ride ~ drift with me
Tuesday, February 8th, 2005
9:00 am	Just because I love you doesn't mean I don't like you. Current Mood: drained Current Music: The Doors - Love Her Madly drift with me
Monday, February 7th, 2005
8:00 pm	I feel the urge of doing something extraordinary. Current Mood: hyper Current Music: Erik Truffaz - Saloua drift with me
1:00 pm	Holy guacamole! Erik Truffaz's new album Saloua is teh roxx0r. I might even buy it, honest. In other news, why kill myself? Killing all the assholes would make much more sense, although yes, we do have a scale problem here. Current Mood: enraged Current Music: Erik Truffaz - Gedech 3 took a ride ~ drift with me
Sunday, February 6th, 2005
10:45 am	This poetry thing might be leading somewhere, if only to keep me busy. Current Mood: worried Current Music: Beastie Boys - Shake Your Rump (Green Mix) 2 took a ride ~ drift with me
Saturday, February 5th, 2005
8:30 pm	Last night... ... I dreamt of a nuclear holocaust over Paris. Hey, at l(e)ast, I slept. Current Mood: blah Current Music: Adam Freeland - Supernatural Thing Remix drift with me
Thursday, February 3rd, 2005
10:30 pm	Sleep deprivation and gut-wrenching pain might be a reasonable price to pay for the incredible amount of self-knowledge and the creative boost I'm experiencing. In the immortal words of Shirley Manson: when I grow up, I'll be stable. Who knows, maybe I will. Current Mood: jubilant Current Music: Rokia Traore - Wanita drift with me
4:45 pm	Red Converse, size 42. i left work again today and i'm not going back until i find me a pair of red Converse size 42. (i'm french, that's why) i ran into an old waitress and she fed me pasta with too much cream and i felt sick all i wanted was my red Converse size 42. i walked for a while and then i ran into an old friend and his girl. he waved and said hi it's been a while don't be a stranger he said and i'm one come visit he said and i won't not until i find my red Converse size 42. then i ran into an old whore stinking like rotten semen or make-up (same shit). she smiled and said she would suck my cock and she had black teeth and an ugly fur coat and i just wanted to hug or maybe hit her tell her i'm sorry i just want my red Converse size 42. later i ran into an old Pope and he said he'd save my soul from the flames of Hell. i told him to take his Holy Stick and shove it up his Holy Ass and keep on shaking until he sees his Holy God for all i wanted was my red Converse size 42. i ran into an old street corner and then i wept and understood i was not looking for shoes. drift with me